The art of reparenting yourself

The importance of reparenting the inner child, the mother archetype, and the wild woman archetype, and how they impact our growth as women.

This year, I started reading the book Women Who Run with Wolves, written by Jungian Analyst Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D. The central premise of the book is the wild woman archetype and how it is often repressed within us by the expectations of patriarchal structures we navigate. The wild woman archetype embodies independence, creativity, and a deep connection to intuition and nature. Each chapter of the book presents the various ways we can unlock the powers of the wild woman.

One of the points in the book I felt compelled to explore and meditate on is the concept of the internal mother that resides in our psyche.

According to Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D, “The internal mother is an aspect of the psyche that acts and responds in a manner identical to a woman’s experience in childhood with her mother. Further, this internal mother is made from not only the experience of the personal mother but also other mother figures in our lives, as well as the images held out as the good mother and the bad mother in the culture at the time of our childhoods.”

Psychologist Carl Jung called this the mother complex.

So much of a woman’s strength and way of moving through the world stems from the lessons learned from her mother or mother figures. While mothers do the best they can with what they inherited, our responsibility in adulthood is to reparent ourselves and challenge the adopted narratives and behaviors that don’t serve the lives we desire to create. This is a crucial step in a growth journey. It requires a commitment to reshaping the internal mother we inherited.

Empowering and attentive mothers create daughters who are self-assured and move through the world with a high sense of self-worth and self-belief. These influences might also come in the form of healthy female friendships or mentorship from older women who model confidence and a healthy sense of self and create a safe space for free self-expression.

The strong mother

How do we strengthen our internal mother into the most empowered version she could be? As we reparent ourselves, it is imperative for us to seek out positive models in other external mothers; older women who embody the traits to help us become more self-compassionate, confident, and authentic individuals.

“My life has been long, and believing that life loves the liver of it, I have dared to try many things, sometimes trembling, but daring, still.” – Maya Angelou

Mother figures and role models

If you don’t readily have access to a role model, learn from the biographies of incredible wild women who unapologetically lived on their own terms. This week, let’s learn from Maya Angelou. Here are three lessons on living a creative, interesting life guided by intuition and personal values.

1. The power of being mothered without judgement

   After becoming pregnant in high school at the age of 17, Maya Angelou hid her pregnancy until it was almost time to give birth out of fear that she would disappoint her parents. When she broke the news, she was relieved to be held with support and love. Her mom helped her deliver the baby and reassured her that she and her newborn son had the family’s full support.

   1. Think about past mistakes or unexpected events you still need to grieve and forgive yourself for. You deserve to move on. We often forget that we deserve to extend the same level of grace to ourselves as we would to a dear friend.

   
   

   “She was so proud of her grandson and proud of me. I’ve never had to spend one minute regretting giving birth to a child who had a devoted family led by a fearless, doting, and glorious grandmother. So I became proud of myself.” - Maya Angelou in Letter to My Daughter

   
   

2. The power of knowing that you are worthy of making your mark in the world

   As a child, Maya believed that one day she could be somebody because her mother spoke words of possibility over her present and future. If you struggle with an internal narrative that constantly tells you that you are not enough to go after the dreams that scare you most, surround yourself with people who uplift you and see the potential in your strengths. This is essential for young Black women navigating systems designed to continuously shift the goalposts of what qualifies as good enough, even when overqualified.

   1. Think of unhelpful narratives that feed self-doubt right before you attempt something out of your comfort zone. Come up with new affirmations and practice establishing a deep-rooted belief in those words.

   
   

   “You are very kind and very intelligent, and those elements are not always found together. Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt, Dr. Mary McLeod Bethune, and my mother – yes, you belong in that category. — Maya Angelou in Letter to My Daughter

   
   

   

   
   

3. Give yourself permission to build a career path led by curiosity

   Maya Angelou was the true embodiment of a successful multi-hyphenate. She had many professions throughout her creative lifetime. She held many roles, including train conductor, writer, actress, poet, educator, creative director, calypso singer, activist — she was also open about her roles as a madame and sex worker as a young woman. She was courageous enough to try many roles without prior knowledge or training. Though she held more than 30 honorary doctorate degrees, Maya Angelou did not obtain a formal college education. She was a student of life and self-educated. She hung out with a circle of writers and creatives that helped sharpen her craft.

   
   

There are so many lessons we can learn from great women like Maya Angelou, who lived, loved, and created on their own terms. The way she lived her life embodied the spirit of the wild woman. What will you strengthen, or deconstruct to reshape your internal mother and show up for yourself more daringly in the new year?

Until next time!Xx

Carly

Resources and links:

• Women Who Run With Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D

• Letter to My Daughter, Maya Angelou